“If we fail to learn in childhood how to handle the full catastrophe of a rich life, we grow up emotionally ill-prepared. Learning to build these inner resource for a happier life demands that we endure the hard knocks of the playground - boot camp for the inevitable upsets of everyday relationships. Given how the brain masters social resilience, children need to rehearse for the ups and downs of social life, not experience a steady monotone of delight.”
Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence (Hutchinson, 2006)
Parents instinctively protect their children from physical harm in the early years, tending to their needs, keeping them happy, secure and content. As they get older we have to start letting out the kite strings, little by little, to enable them to become more independent of us both physically and emotionally. After all, the ultimate goal of parenting is to bring up a child who will be able to survive in the world without us and who will hopefully create a fulfilling and happy life.
In releasing the kite strings, however, our children will be faced with situations that are not always comfortable for them and may even be downright distressing. But, protecting them from all stressful situations actually robs them of vital learning experiences and, contrary to popular opinion, does not make them happier. According to Goleman, one of the founders of the EQ movement, such overprotection is in fact a form of deprivation. “The idea that a child should avoid misery at all costs distorts both the reality of life and the ways children learn to find happiness.”
It’s really important to teach children how to diffuse emotional storms by helping them to reframe what they have learned from an uncomfortable situation and how it is going to equip them to handle things better next time. “The goal for parenting should not be achieving a brittle “positive” psychology – clinging to a state of perpetual joy in one’s children – but rather teaching a child how to return on her own to a state of contentment, whatever may happen.”
A good example of this is first-week jitters at the start of each school year. For some children this may translate into first-term jitters, and this applies not just to preschoolers, but many children of all ages. This causes a rise in stress hormone activity which helps the child by mobilising the body to handle a new social situation with new demands. Mastery is achieved when your child learns to control his anxiety or distress and calm down.
We need to teach our children that wallowing in a problem and becoming a permanent victim is completely different to being empowered by the teachable moments life brings. Of course there will still be times when parents must intervene, just choose your moments wisely so that your child continues to learn how to manage bad times by looking on the bright side – for the lessons learned, not the pain caused. When a child gets upset, the value lies in learning how to control their own reaction, in being able to shift down an emotional gear or two, which develops resilience.
NIKKI BUSH
Creative parenting expert, inspirational speaker and co-author of Future-proof Your Child (Penguin, 2008), and Easy Answers to Awkward Questions (Metz Press, 2009)
nikki@brightideasoutfit.co.za
www.brightideasoutfit.com
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